The Wrecking Of The Nativity
by Concept of a demon
Summary: God will never forgive us for this! MUAHAHAHAHA! A parody on the birth of Jesus, with Jesus being replaced by Raziel! BWAHAHAHA! Co-written with Ratface.


Disclaimer: Concept of a demon owns Corey. That's about it.  
  
(Just in time for christmas, here's a LOK parody of the birth of Jesus!)  
  
Prologue:  
  
(Janos is ranting.)  
  
Janos: Why should Raziel be the Messiah? His name doesn't have the same amount of letters as Jesus! My name does! Janos, Jesus, five letters. Christ, Audron, six letters. It makes perfect sense! And neither of us hated the ones who persecuted us! Sheesh! It should be me. I'm more mature for it.  
  
Concept: Well, this thing is supposed to take the nativity and do everything wrong, so the person with the name that bears the LEAST resemblance to Jesus should do it! Besides, you're older than Kain. It would be crazy to have a son, that is older than yourself.  
  
Janos: .. Fudgestickles.  
  
*****************************************************  
  
Satanist productions presents:  
  
The wrecking of the nativity  
  
Directed by Concept of a demon. Oh, and some other bastard. (Ratface)  
  
Nativity destroyed by Concept of a Demon.  
  
God is now very angry at Concept of a Demon.  
  
God will never forgive us for this story.  
  
Starring: Kain, Umah, Dumah, Corey, Moebius and Hash'ak'gik.  
  
Co-starring: Randy Jackass and several other random people.  
  
With special guest appearance by Satan.  
  
Special effects by Ratface after he got drunk and claimed to be a special effects guy.  
  
Camels donated by Corncob Man.  
  
Everything else: Who cares?  
  
Prepare for the biggest pile of insanity you will ever see!  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Concept: In a village in Israel, there was a virgin called.....  
  
Ratface: WRONG VERSION!  
  
Concept: Ooops! Sorry. In a village composed of 3 crappy huts and a public lavatory, called Stickenheim, One day, the archangel Godfrey came to the supposedly-a-virgin Umah with great news from the lord. When he had a mile to go, he was shot by the Sarafan Lord and they had to send Janos instead.  
  
Janos: Can I come in?  
  
Umah: Sure! I was just in the mood for talking to crazy blue angel wannabes.  
  
Janos: You have been chosen to give birth to the Messiah.  
  
Umah: Okay, what did you smoke last night?  
  
Janos: I haven't been smoking anything. Angels don't do drugs.  
  
Umah: Oh, come on! Your wings are the wrong colour! And since when were angels blue?  
  
Janos: Since last winter, when we all nearly got hypothermia up in heaven!  
  
Umah: Why the hell was I chosen to give birth to the messiah?  
  
Janos: Because Ratface hates you, and since he has control over 50% of this fic...  
  
Umah: DAMNIT!  
  
Janos: Ok, now you know what's happening, here comes the slightly embarrassing part. HOLY GHOST! WE'RE READY!  
  
Umah: So basically I have to cheat on Kain with the holy ghost?  
  
Janos: Yep.  
  
Umah: Ok!  
  
(5 minutes later) Kain: Umah! I'm home- (suggestive noise is heard) Kain: What the hell? (Janos appears)  
  
Janos: It's... umm... the neighbours! Yeah, the neighbours...  
  
Kain: Why does it sound like it's coming from my bedroom, then?  
  
Janos: Umm..... soundwaves from next door have.... bounced off their walls and into your room!  
  
Kain: You obviouly know nothing about how sound works! Now let me in!  
  
Janos: Umm... LOOK BEHIND YOU! A THREE-HEADED MONKEY! (runs off)  
  
Kain: Huh? What? Where? (looks around) Damn, it must have run away... (goes inside)  
  
Kain sees Umah in bed with... the holy ghost.  
  
Kain: UMAH! How could you cheat on me?  
  
Umah: You don't nurture my emotions, that's why!  
  
Kain: I don't have time to nurture you emotions! I have to work for the income. Why don't you do anything, you lazy bag?  
  
Umah: I'm pregnant with the god-damn Messiah!  
  
Kain: Of whom I'm not the father of.  
  
Umah: No, how could I have kept my virginity without being impregnated by the messenger of God?  
  
Kain: I'm tired of walking in, every night, only to see the holy ghost messing around in my bed!  
  
Concept: A few months later, the Romans took a census-  
  
Ratface: Romans? What the hell are the Romans doing in the LOK version?  
  
Concept: I forgot to change that bit.  
  
Ratface: Quick, change it to the Sarafan before anyone notices!  
  
Concept: They already have...  
  
Ratface: DIE! (We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by while the authors attempt to strangle each other)  
  
(After about 30 seconds of fighting) Concept: Ok, a few months later, the SARAFAN took a census, and everyone had to go back to their birthplace. Kain was born in Coorhagen, so they had to go there. For some strange reason, everyone went there on camels. They went on a camel. Then it died. Then they got another one. Then it died. Then Kain woke up and found that it was a dream and that they hadn't started yet. Then they got a real camel. Then, just when they were in Coorhagen, it died.  
  
Kain: Ok, we now know never to buy second-hand camels again...  
  
They started looking for a place to stay for the night. Umah was fat (Umah: HEY!), well, you are. Kain found a place. Or so he thought.  
  
Mortanius: The tavern's closing. Best be on your way, stranger.  
  
Kain: Wrong game, Morty. And wrong role.Come on. Can't we be let in?  
  
Morty: No.  
  
Kain: come on, it's the christian thing to do!  
  
Morty: Look, Kain, the messiah hasn't been born yet. Which means, no christianity.  
  
Kain: Jesus has been born.  
  
Morty: Aren't you and your wife here to give birth to the Messiah?  
  
Kain: Not the Jesus Messiah, the Raziel Messiah. Anyway, can't we please stay here?  
  
Morty: No. We're full.  
  
Kain: Can we stay in the stable?  
  
Morty: No. Some guy called Joseph reserved that.  
  
Kain: Where the hell can we stay, then?  
  
Morty: Well, we've been building an extension to this place, so you can stay in the builder's portable toilet.  
  
Kain: The things I have to put up with in order to get a stupid census done! Thank you so much, government!  
  
Concept: That night, Jesus was bor-  
  
Ratface: DAMN YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU READ THE RIGHT BOOK?" (More technical difficulties involving authors killing each other)  
  
Concept: Ok, sorry about that. He shouldn't interrupt now, what with his lack of a head. Anyway, that night, Raziel was born....  
  
Kain: HOW THE HELL IS A BABY GOING TO BE BORN IN A MINISCULE PORTABLE TOILET?  
  
Umah: Umm... I kind of lie on the ground and have the baby, and you hang onto the ceiling and try not to fall?  
  
Kain: What kind of stupid idea is that?  
  
(Meanwhile, the prop-manager comes up to me.)  
  
Prop-man: Uh, look, we don't have a star.  
  
Concept: And we use a star for what?  
  
Prop-man: To guide the 3 wise-men to the birth place of the Messiah.  
  
Concept: Hold it, we have 3 wise-men?  
  
Prop-man: Yeah.  
  
Concept: I didn't know we did.  
  
Anacrothe runs in.  
  
Anacrothe: Bad news!  
  
Prop-man: What is it?  
  
Anacrothe: Umm, our wise-men have taken a dive down the abyss.  
  
Concept: Crap! Alright, call the Magnus Inquisition!  
  
Anacrothe: They're busy.  
  
Prop-man: I can get a hold of 3 idiots.  
  
Concept: We need 9 idiots, to make up for the loss of 3 wise-men.  
  
Prop-man: Well, how about Hash, Moebius, and Dumah, then you get.. (whispers something in Concept's ear)  
  
**********************************************************  
  
Concept: Come on, you have to.  
  
Corey: No! I'm sick of appearing in your stupid fics!  
  
Concept: I'll shoot Jenny, if you don't appear.  
  
Corey: You wouldn't!  
  
Concept: If I can do all the things I could in the other stories, I can do this, too.  
  
Corey: I really hate you. Okay! I'll appear in your damn fic.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
Concept: So, the 4 idiots (well, Corey is semi-intelligent), moved out of their holes, to greet the Messiah, with a gift each of their own.  
  
Hash: I'll bring him weed!  
  
Moebius: I'll bring him beans!  
  
Corey: I'll bring him a bong for the weed, that Hash will provide.  
  
Dumah: Uhh, I'll give him toxic waste.  
  
Corey: Now, where is the Messiah?  
  
Moebius: Uhh...  
  
Dumah: Uhh... (drools)  
  
Hash: WEED FOREVER!  
  
Concept: Follow the TV in the sky.  
  
Moebius. Which one of them?  
  
Concept: Well, isn't there just one god-damn TV in the sky?  
  
Moebius: Well, that one is showing the Discovery Channel. And that one is showing Cartoon Network.  
  
Concept: Just follow the one, that shows porn. It's Vorador's old TV.  
  
Corey: are you allowed to rip Ratface off?  
  
Concept: I'm writing the story with him. Of course I'm allowed to rip him off.  
  
(and so, the 4 dumbasses moved out, to find the Messiah..)  
  
Corey: Wait, Dumah, are you sure the Messiah would be in South America?  
  
Dumah: Well, I can't tell the difference between East and West, so...  
  
Corey: DAMN YOU!  
  
Moebius: Why didn't we just follow the TV, like Concept told us to?  
  
Hash: I saw a TV, and it was over this way.  
  
Corey: How much weed did you smoke this morning?  
  
Hash: 20 pounds.  
  
Corey: You've been hallucinating again, right?  
  
Hash: What, so the psychedelic hobo isn't real?  
  
Corey: No.  
  
(After walking all the way to Coorhagen...) Hash: Which TV do we follow?  
  
Moebius: The one that actually exists.  
  
Hash: BUT THEY'RE ALL SO REALISTIC!  
  
Corey: Hey, we're in Coorhagen. Let's deliver the presents, and get the hell out of here.  
  
Moebius: We're supposed to praise him.  
  
Corey: Fudgestickles.  
  
(After walking to the portable toilet with the TV floating over it) Moebius: We are 4 dumbasses, here to see the new-born king!  
  
Kain: Well, that's all very well and good, but can you move along, please? My wife's just had a baby! And she dropped it in the dam toilet!  
  
Raziel: IT BUUUUUURNS!  
  
Kain: Woah! It can already talk!  
  
Raziel: I'm the bloody messiah. Of course I can talk. I have kickass powers!  
  
Dumah: Are you the father of the child?  
  
Kain: No, the holy ghost is. I just don't know where the bastard is, and that's probably good, because otherwise, he would have 4 new assholes, that I personally would have ripped him!  
  
Hash: Chill, dawg, chill.  
  
Corey: So who IS the holy ghost?  
  
Kain: He's the father!  
  
Corey: No freaking DUH, dipshit!  
  
Kain: Who are you calling 'dipshit'?  
  
Corey: You!  
  
They fight.  
  
Dumah: You know, Umah, that is a very good question. Who is the father?  
  
Umah (shifty eyes): It's uh.. HEY, LOOK! A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!  
  
Dumah: You think I'm stupid? By the time I have looked, he will be long gone.  
  
Moebius: Umm... while they're fighting, here are our gifts of beans, toxic waste and weed- wait, where's the bong? COREY! STOP HITTING KAIN WITH IT!  
  
Umah: I don't really know who he is, actually.  
  
Dumah: So, what are you going to call the baby?  
  
Umah: Hmm.... Brian?  
  
Dumah: Try again.  
  
Umah: How about.. Raziel.  
  
Moebius: What kind of name is 'Raziel'?  
  
Umah: A random one.  
  
Kain: He will be pure, since his mother was a virgin, when giving birth to him.  
  
Corey: How can you be pregnant, and a virgin at the same time?  
  
Kain: She was impregnated by the holy ghost, damnit! (punches Corey in the face)  
  
Umah: Well, actually, Raziel isn't exactly pure, if that's what it takes.  
  
Hash: Is it just me, or has the baby gone a funny shade of green?  
  
Moebius: ...It's just you, Hash.  
  
Kain: What do you mean, it's not pure?  
  
Umah: Well..  
  
Dumah: We'll have the shepherds take care of this.  
  
Hash: The shepherds?  
  
(Somewhere nearby, several members of the circle of nine have been forced into being shepherds)  
  
Nupraptor: This is so degrading...  
  
Azimuth: Yeah. From circle members to extras in a christmas special.... Just our luck.  
  
Malek: I hate sheep! I know they're plotting against me!  
  
Bane: Why are we the shepherds, anyway?  
  
Concept: Because of that sheep analogy Kain made in Blood Omen 1.  
  
The circle of nine runs into the birth scene. Well, circle of seven, since Moebius is busy being one of the 4 dumbasses, and Mortanius is the inn- keeper.  
  
Bane: What is our task?  
  
Dumah: Finding out, who the father of the Messiah is.  
  
DeJoule: Isn't it the holy ghost?  
  
Dumah: Yeah, but we need to know, who the holy ghost IS.  
  
DeJoule: Well, the holy ghost must be the holy ghost, right?  
  
Nupraptor: No, dumbass, she wants to know the secret identity of the holy ghost.  
  
DeJoule: Corncob Man?  
  
Nupraptor: This might take a while. We must debate.  
  
They do so. Then, they return.  
  
Nupraptor: We have an announcement to make!  
  
Kain (holding Corey in an iron grip by his neck): You know who the father is?  
  
Nupraptor: No. We just came to take Umah with us in the debate room.  
  
Kain: Damnit!  
  
Corey: Wait, where the hell did the debate room come from?  
  
Kain: Probably a plothole.  
  
They run off, to the debate room again. After 5 hours, they come out of there.  
  
Nupraptor: We have discovered, that this girl isn't pure, and that she never was.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Bane: She hasn't ever been a virgin. Well, maybe until she was old enough to... I'll hold it there.  
  
Kain (eyes twitching): How.. Many.. Umah?  
  
Umah: Well, Vorador, for one. And God. And Jesus.  
  
The founder of the Church of Satan runs in. Anton Szandor LaVey.  
  
A.S.L: I knew it, he wasn't pure.  
  
Umah: That guy, too. And Randy Jackass.  
  
Kain (while grinding Corey down with his knee): OH UMAH, WHY?!  
  
Umah: I'm not too proud of that last one, either.  
  
Kain: ALL OF THEM, DAMNIT! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU!  
  
Umah: Oh come on. It's not so bad.  
  
Kain: My damn wife will sleep with anyone but me! I should have married Ariel.  
  
Corey: But she's gonna date Raziel. Wouldn't that be a little sick?  
  
Kain: Shut up! (grinds Corey further down the ground)  
  
Moebius: Yeah, but who is the holy ghost, then?  
  
Bane: We must bring in all the people, whom she has slept with.  
  
Umah: This is so embarrassing.  
  
So once they have located God, Jesus, Randy Jackass, Vorador, and Anton. Well, he never left the room, but...  
  
Bane: Alright! Which one of you horny bastards did it?  
  
All: We all did.  
  
Hash: Dawgs, you're missing the obvious mo'fo thing! We just...  
  
Satan walks in.  
  
Satan: Yo yo yo!  
  
A.S.L: HAIL SATAN! (does the horned salute)  
  
Dumah: What does that have to do with anything?  
  
Umah: Author's lacking in inspiration.  
  
Dumah: Both of them?  
  
Umah: Ratface is dead, remember?  
  
Ratface rises from the floor.  
  
Ratface: I.... Live.... AGAIN!  
  
Kain: Yes, yes, good, good, we don't care. Hash, you were about to say something, that would reveal the identity of the father?  
  
Hash: Fo'sho, dawg! DNA sample, huh, dawg?  
  
Kain: How do we do that, in a portable toilet? ....And why do you keep going from stoner to rapper and back again?  
  
Hash: Multiple personality disorder.  
  
Kain: Again?!  
  
Malek: He's bound to have that disorder, with all the hash he smokes.  
  
Kain: So how about we do that DNA test?  
  
Bane: How do we do that when we're in a portable toilet, with no means to test it?  
  
(An ambulance with a DNA testing kit in it crashes into the toilet)  
  
Kain: That was both random AND stupidly convenient at the same time.  
  
They do the DNA test. Bane walks out with the results.  
  
Bane: And the winner is... Could I have a drumroll?  
  
Kain: Just get on with it, damnit!  
  
Bane: No drumroll, no result.  
  
Kain: Can someone get the man a freaking drumroll?  
  
(drumroll)  
  
Bane: Finally! And the winner is....  
  
Dumah: Winner? How would someone win, from being a father?  
  
Kain: NO INTERUPTIONS, DAMNIT! (shoots Dumah)  
  
Moebius: Where the hell did you just get that revolver from?  
  
Kain: I always keep it in my trousers.  
  
Moebius: .Ok.  
  
Bane: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP? The father is. Randy Jackass!  
  
Kain: What. The. Hell. Happened. There?  
  
Randy Jackass: It's all true! The holy ghost was off sick, so I took his place!  
  
Umah: So this technically isn't the messiah?  
  
Randy Jackass: Nope.  
  
Umah: So basically, I put on tons of weight and went through all that FOR NOTHING?!?  
  
Randy Jackass: Yep.  
  
Umah: AAAAAGH! BLOODY BABY (punches it) WASTE OF TIME (hits it again) STUPID BLOODY THING!  
  
Kain: Now it's bloody in both ways.  
  
Moebius: So what do we do with it?  
  
Hash'ak'gik: Aw, just throw it in the abyss.  
  
(And so they did. And so ended this rather random parody of the birth of Jesus)  
  
(Please review, and no flames)  
  
***********************************************  
  
Janos: I knew it! They should have picked me. My parents didn't sleep together to create me! 


End file.
